Or I Could Work as a Stripping Granny...

So much to tell you I don't know where to begin. I will just share random thoughts from my brain and trust it will be as entertaining as always.

First of all, gentle readers, beware of Bob, the guy who stole my blogspot. He is now using it as a link to porn, which doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I mean, doing standup is little bit like being naked on stage, especially when your act blows...My career has had its low moments, but I've never stooped that low before.

Speaking of stand-up, I had three gigs recently and I killed at all of them. Well, I did forget my jokes twice, but that is natural when you are doing new material. I am not a hack that tells the same jokes for a decade. I am always experimenting and growing as an artist. Just ask the twelve people who were at the coffee shop I played. It is not the size of the room that matters, darlings. It is the size of the laughs.

I did a theatre audition as well and have a callback coming up next week. I am supposed to play a woman much older than myself, which I could take as an insult. Instead, I will take it as a tribute to my talent. The director believes I could play an attractive, incontinent senior citizen, and I will be happy to rise to the challenge.

Oh, and did I mention that I got an email to go work on a cruise ship in the Caribbean next month? Looking out the window, it is cold and rainy. Would I like to get some laughs and get a tan at the same time? You bet. I am sure you poor office-dwelling cretins are feeling bitterly jealous at this moment. I don't blame you. It is hard to be me.

On the other hand, I just received my credit card bill and got my Halloween fright. I am maxed out and a bit cash-poor these days. Comedy may be fun but it pays peanuts, and it doesn't come with a dental plan or a pension. You may be shackled to your desk in utter boredom, but at least you have something to look forward to come retirement. Me? I'll be telling jokes at the Old Folks Home in return for jello and medication.

Ah, yes it is glamourous to be me. Here is a parting joke to warm your cockles:
I love to go window shopping. But then, where do you put them all?

My Fabulous Life

Well darlings I am long overdue in writing and telling you about my fabulous life as a comedienne. Especially since my nemesis, Bob, says the OTHER Comedy Diva site is 'under construction'. HA.

Anyhoo, I will tell you about this past week. I did a call back for a musical. It started with a dance call, which was a bit of a surprise. They should TELL you these things or else you end up dancing in pantyhose and sweating off your make-up. 'Nuff said. I was there all morning, waiting to be called, practising my song and -ahem- reading the script. Darlings, it simply wasn't AVAILABLE before then, and really who cares about the silly plot? I was quite eager to read for the role of the Lesbian Reporter. Unfortunately, the demented director was considering me for the role of the Retarded Nine-Year old child. I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. I am a tall woman, and although I am not short on ambition, I would not cast myself as a 9 year old child. Besides which, I have a massive bosom. So four hours later I sang my little song for them, and they said, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." God, what are these people thinking? Clearly I am meant to play LEAD roles or nothing at all. In this case, I am taking nothing.

Then I had dress rehearsals and the opening of a musical. A different one. In which I play a lead role, that of a Lesbian Nun. I TOLD you I had this gay-thing down pat. Well, I hate to be modest and so I won't be: I was FABULOUS. I got huge laughs, except for the times when my fellow actress stepped on them. That is a technical term used in comedy. When the audience is just about to laugh, but an actor speaks too soon and cuts it off. Actors who work primarily in DRAMA or FILM do this ALL the time because they don't know any better and it is very frustrating to people such as myself who are busy earning the laughs. Anyway, I KNOW I was funny because the producers handed out little surveys to the audience, and I snuck a peak at several (but did not stoop so low as to FILL out one myself- reallly I am not that desperate even though no one would recognize my handwriting) and over and over people put down ME in response to the question "what is the best part of this play?"

Big opening night parties, champagne, roses, blah blah blah ... and then on my DARK night I did an improv performance. Yes, there is no rest for the talented. The show was Long Form improv, which is not those silly games you see Drew Carey attempting, but Long Form: Genres. That means you emulate different kinds of film styles in an improvised movie. I played a 1940's dame with lots of wink-wink innuendo and jargon. A sci-fi flick followed (yes, groan...) and then a Romantic Comedy, where I embodied the spirit of a young Meg Ryan, before she ruined her face with all that collagen. Big Laughs were had by all, especially my poor cast mates, who had a hard time keeping up with me and my quick wit. Yes, I was On Fire, another technical term in comedy, it means you are Hot, which is a good thing, as Martha might say.

The NEXT day I helped a director out with his callbacks for a play he is directing. I got to read lines with all the best dramatic actors in town. And didn't their eyes pop when they saw me? It is a total status thing to be in the room with the director. Because the other actors assume that you are already cast in a role OR that you have the ear of the director, and can make or break each person's chances at getting hired. Which, of course, is true. The actors who DIDN't shake my hand, I read in a monotone or bad dialect and purposely tried to make them look bad. Which wasn't hard. Most dramatic actors are so boring you just want to kill yourself the minute they open their mouths. They can only do two things: whisper or shout. And nobody can cry on the spot, that seems to take weeks of Method research. Ha. Then the director took me to dinner, I told him who I would hire or not, and, grateful for my input, he offered me a role in a different play he is directing next year!! A comedy, thank God.


That night after the show, I rushed out to do stand-up at a local club. Yes I was hilarious. And the next night, after the show, I went salsa dancing. Who was there but a famous comic actor, a guy who I am not free to name. I had no idea he could dance! I plan to stalk him - I mean stake him out the club- and dance with him next week. In this business it is ALL who you know, and if I can swivel my pelvis with a VIP who has his own TV show, you bet I am going to do that!

What else? That should be enough for a week in an actor's life. I am exhausted just thinking about it. Must go get a latte. Today I already updated my websites, tomorrow I will update my resume, and then - oh my gosh - I totally forgot - the reviews of my musical should be out. Must go darlings, keep well!