Comedy Diva Diaries

Delightful showbiz anecdotes

Thursday, May 23, 2013

The Top Six chick-lit cliches! and how "The Comedy Diva Diaries" toys with them

Here is a primer on the top six Chick-Lit cliches, for all the dudes - and dudettes - who have never read classic Chick Lit novels like "Bridget Jones Diary". And how the humour novel "The Comedy Diva Diaries" turns the genre on its ear.

1) Protagonist - She is young, single, adorkable, clumsy yet loveable! (Diva is pretty darn unlikeable, being so self-involved and deluded)

2) Glamorous Job - She always has an entry level job in a glamorous field like Fashion Magazines or Interior Design or Event Planning (what could be less glam than hanging out in grungy comedy clubs? or posing for pictures in a dumpster?)

3) Fabulous Friends - She is surrounded by gay men and gorgeous single female friends who adore her and will do anything for her! (Diva has no idea her friends barely tolerate her)

4) Bad Habit - She either eats too much junk food and is obsessed with dieting, or she spends too much money on clothes and ignores her credit card bills. See: "Shopaholic" series. (Okay. Diva does both, to the extreme)

5) The Enemy - might be the older female boss who keeps her downtrodden (see: "The Devil Wears Prada"); or a female colleague who uses her back-stabbing ways to get that promotion. (Although Diva is surrounded by many rivals in her mysogynistic world - she really is her own worst enemy)

6) Mr. Right vs Mr. Wrong - The entire plot revolves around romance: will she choose that Rich Snob, or will she finally realize the Boy Next Door is the true love of her life? (Diva has no time for romance and takes her BF for granted, because all she cares about is her so-called career...)

As she strives towards her one-year deadline to get famous, will Comedy Diva learn to be a (barf) better person? And more importantly - will her journey make you laugh really hard along the way?

find out! Available in paperback and e-book formats through most major book retailers.


Saturday, December 22, 2012

The Book is now Published!

The Comedy Diva Diaries is the tale of a twenty-nine year old comedienne who gives herself an ultimatum: achieve success before her next birthday, or die trying.  

Our sassy, deluded and insecure heroine endures disastrous stand-up gigs and humiliating TV commercial auditions. Her rich boyfriend, pampered pooch, flamboyant agent, dysfunctional family and back-stabbing rivals aren’t much help. On the brink of emotional collapse, Diva finds inspiration in a self-help book, and makes the fateful decision to move across the continent in pursuit of the Hollywood dream. 
Will Diva admit defeat? Or will she find fame and fortune before turning thirty? 

"Hip and outrageously funny! As a young comedian, it's frightening how much I can relate.”
~ Christel Bartelse, 2011& 2010 Canadian Comedy Award Nominee

Van Ritzen is one of the funniest humans I've ever met. Read her book, laugh, lather, rinse, repeat.”
~ Mark Leiren-Young, author of Never Shoot a Stampede Queen 2009 Leacock Medal For Humour

“Really, really funny.”
 ~ Terry Fallis, author of The Best Laid Plans 2008 Leacock Medal For Humour

 “You will root for Diva every step of the way.”   
~ Ian Ferguson, author of Village of the Small Houses 2004 Leacock Medal For Humour

Author Kirsten Van Ritzen knows comedy. With two decades as a professional actor, comedienne, writer and producer, she has received acclaim for performances across Canada and the U.S.  She is a member of the Writers Guild of Canada and Playwrights Guild of Canada. This is her debut novel and a work of fiction – or so she claims.

Friday, December 07, 2012

Saanich News - Diva’s diaries revealed

well, no more anonymity! here we go . . . find out who created Comedy Diva
Saanich News - Diva’s diaries revealed

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Rent me a Greek

Hello darlings,
Yes, I am long overdue to update by fabulous diary!! I am so sorry to keep you waiting. But I have had no time to blog. I am obsessed with several reality television shows and on a weekly basis find myself overwhelmed, nay devastated, by the results.

Tonight, for example, I am crushed that Connie was ousted from Idol while ugly pig-boy wife-beater Scotty remains. I am literally lying on the kitchen floor, licking the linoleum. Yes, I am THAT upset. I spilled just a teensy bit of liquor and it doesn't go to waste in my house. I don't even have the energy to tell you that I am a finalist in a big time comedy competition. (No it is NOT on television, but hey wouldn't that be a great idea! Any bigwig TV producers out there, contact me immediately.) Or that my previous musings are about to become a book. (No really.) Or that I have a starring role in an upcoming-brand-new-knock-your-socks-off-Mega Musical. (Would I kid about something like that?)

I am not merely a Comedy Diva, I am my own reality show. I am very competitive in most situations, for example in the midst of a BOGO sale, I took out a four-foot tall Nun
who was between me and a pair of mandarin-floral mules.

Instead of celebrating however, I am crying a little inside, for where will I get my weekly eye-phuk now that Connie is off the tube? (And you do know what I mean, girls.) I only found out today that I am part of a gigantic tribe of Connie-lovers. Apparently there are millions of (ahem) slightly more mature women who are utterly infatuated with the Big Greek God. But for some reason were unable to dial his number with their damn little manicured fingers. Where were you ladies? You have let us ALL down.

Now I can only cheer weakly as elderly Grethedith make it to the final four on AR. Watching her ramble on and get lost while Hubby stands by stoically bewildered does not get me hot, but it does remind me of my parents, which is nice, because then I don't have to visit them.

Anyway, I have run out of Kleenex and am spilling hot tears on the keyboard - or is that cold vodka? Yum. Must go. Promise I'll write again and much sooner.
Comedy Diva

Thursday, October 07, 2004

My Fabulous Life

Well darlings I am long overdue in writing and telling you about my fabulous life as a comedienne. Especially since my nemesis, Bob, says the OTHER Comedy Diva site is 'under construction'. HA.

Anyhoo, I will tell you about this past week. I did a call back for a musical. It started with a dance call, which was a bit of a surprise. They should TELL you these things or else you end up dancing in pantyhose and sweating off your make-up. 'Nuff said. I was there all morning, waiting to be called, practising my song and -ahem- reading the script. Darlings, it simply wasn't AVAILABLE before then, and really who cares about the silly plot? I was quite eager to read for the role of the Lesbian Reporter. Unfortunately, the demented director was considering me for the role of the Retarded Nine-Year old child. I AM NOT KIDDING YOU. I am a tall woman, and although I am not short on ambition, I would not cast myself as a 9 year old child. Besides which, I have a massive bosom. So four hours later I sang my little song for them, and they said, "Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out." God, what are these people thinking? Clearly I am meant to play LEAD roles or nothing at all. In this case, I am taking nothing.

Then I had dress rehearsals and the opening of a musical. A different one. In which I play a lead role, that of a Lesbian Nun. I TOLD you I had this gay-thing down pat. Well, I hate to be modest and so I won't be: I was FABULOUS. I got huge laughs, except for the times when my fellow actress stepped on them. That is a technical term used in comedy. When the audience is just about to laugh, but an actor speaks too soon and cuts it off. Actors who work primarily in DRAMA or FILM do this ALL the time because they don't know any better and it is very frustrating to people such as myself who are busy earning the laughs. Anyway, I KNOW I was funny because the producers handed out little surveys to the audience, and I snuck a peak at several (but did not stoop so low as to FILL out one myself- reallly I am not that desperate even though no one would recognize my handwriting) and over and over people put down ME in response to the question "what is the best part of this play?"

Big opening night parties, champagne, roses, blah blah blah ... and then on my DARK night I did an improv performance. Yes, there is no rest for the talented. The show was Long Form improv, which is not those silly games you see Drew Carey attempting, but Long Form: Genres. That means you emulate different kinds of film styles in an improvised movie. I played a 1940's dame with lots of wink-wink innuendo and jargon. A sci-fi flick followed (yes, groan...) and then a Romantic Comedy, where I embodied the spirit of a young Meg Ryan, before she ruined her face with all that collagen. Big Laughs were had by all, especially my poor cast mates, who had a hard time keeping up with me and my quick wit. Yes, I was On Fire, another technical term in comedy, it means you are Hot, which is a good thing, as Martha might say.

The NEXT day I helped a director out with his callbacks for a play he is directing. I got to read lines with all the best dramatic actors in town. And didn't their eyes pop when they saw me? It is a total status thing to be in the room with the director. Because the other actors assume that you are already cast in a role OR that you have the ear of the director, and can make or break each person's chances at getting hired. Which, of course, is true. The actors who DIDN't shake my hand, I read in a monotone or bad dialect and purposely tried to make them look bad. Which wasn't hard. Most dramatic actors are so boring you just want to kill yourself the minute they open their mouths. They can only do two things: whisper or shout. And nobody can cry on the spot, that seems to take weeks of Method research. Ha. Then the director took me to dinner, I told him who I would hire or not, and, grateful for my input, he offered me a role in a different play he is directing next year!! A comedy, thank God.

That night after the show, I rushed out to do stand-up at a local club. Yes I was hilarious. And the next night, after the show, I went salsa dancing. Who was there but a famous comic actor, a guy who I am not free to name. I had no idea he could dance! I plan to stalk him - I mean stake him out the club- and dance with him next week. In this business it is ALL who you know, and if I can swivel my pelvis with a VIP who has his own TV show, you bet I am going to do that!

What else? That should be enough for a week in an actor's life. I am exhausted just thinking about it. Must go get a latte. Today I already updated my websites, tomorrow I will update my resume, and then - oh my gosh - I totally forgot - the reviews of my musical should be out. Must go darlings, keep well!

Thursday, July 15, 2004

There's an imposter!

Hello darlings, I have bad news. Apparently some weasel named Bob stole my url back in April. Bob, I sincerely hope that you are a publicist or an agent for a wonderful Comedy Diva somewhere in the world, because my nom de plume certainly does not suit you.

I am a teensy bit angry because this url - my original url - is listed on a whole bunch of search engines as a Funny Blog to Visit. I don't care. I have these two new urls, and a book coming out, so really, who has the last laugh? Not you dear Bob, because as far as I can tell, you haven't written a single joke.

Anyway, dear fans, now you know where to find me. At and NOT at, that is just boring old Bob.

Soon I will regale you with humorous anecdotes from the world of showbiz, but at the moment, I am still a bit vexed and in need of a starbucks fix.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Comedy Diva Diaries

Darlings, how I missed you! I have to apologize for my absence, but you see I have a marvelous excuse. I have a publishing deal! That is correct, The Comedy Diva Diaries will be coming to your nearest bookstore. Oh yes, I have trademarked and copyrighted the title up the ying-yang - since 2001 when I first started writing for you, my adoring public. So then, on the advice of lawyers, I took the whole shebang off the web, and I have been busy with just a tiny bit of rewrites. That and a round-the-world cruise. Yes, I do live a glamorous life.

But today I was surfing the net - trying to see if anyone has stolen my moniker, to be honest - and I discovered that my blogspot is on all kinds of lists! Around the world too! Best Humor Blog lists and Joke Site lists, and Visit This Site for Your Smile of the Day lists, and so on. So of course I feel terrible that legions of fans have been looking for me and I have been nowhere to be found. Hence my presence, whew. Like I said, I am so sorry. I will check with my lawyer/agent/publisher and see if I can at least put a few jokes or anecdotes on this site until the whole whirlwind media tour for the book launch begins. Until then, thank you for visiting, I missed you so.